Your erection is my transitional object?

‘I don’t really have anything else to say, how about you?’ David hands the session over to me. As this is our last session for six months these remaining minutes may become significant.

‘There is something I could share,’ my voice sounds hesitant and uncertain though it feels more excited than anything else. I had wondered whether this moment would present itself and decided that if it did, I would.

‘Oh that does sound interesting, do continue,’ it seems David has picked up on the signals in my voice.

‘It feels a little odd sharing this…’ it’s too late now I’ve taken my own bait.

‘This sounds good,’ David interjects with what sounds like encouragement and his excitement, though it feels more like an angler not letting a fish off the hook.

‘Well, it’s something that happened about three weeks ago at the start of the Christmas break. The morning after I was really eager to share it with you, but since then my excitement has waned and so I decided to see how this session went, and now I’m not so sure.’

‘Go on, you’ve got my attention, besides you can’t stop now,’ he’s right, and just like that I’m fully up out of the water and into the net.

‘So it’s 3am in the morning and I’m lying in bed awake. I may have already been asleep and now I’m in a blissful relaxed state, I know I can easily slip into sleep and yet despite that, I’m fully awake.’ I’m now feeling a little more comfortable although I’m not quite sure how to say the next bit, ‘so, anyway, I notice I’ve got this unusual erection…’

‘Ooh,’ David sounds surprised.

Not wanting to leave my words hanging in the air too long I continue, ‘it persists for ages, it’s not “morning glory” as I’ve been awake for some time and nor am I feeling sexually aroused. I lay there for quite some time and it just continues,’ I’m curious what David is making of this, his silence appears to be filled with attention, I don’t want to ask him just yet, I want to lay it all out first. ‘What is so striking is how physical it is, I scan my mind for sexual thoughts and fantasy and there are none,’ I interrupt myself, ‘do you want to say anything? Are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ David replies, ‘yeah I’m fine, I’m curious, please keep going,’ he is clearly engaged and I can only assume he, like me, is uncertain of where this is going.

‘It just continued unaided by thought or desire, it seemed to come from a state of deep relaxation, I then noticed my mind trying to put it in a box.’ As I’m saying this I’m conscious that any attempt at avoiding double-entendre is probably hopeless and so I realise I have to just let that go.

‘Though the mind is the most sexually active organ in the body mine seemed empty. I then found myself scanning my mind for thoughts and found none, then as I engaged in thought a previous relationship I’d had came to mind, it certainly had a strong sexual charge but was ultimately not about that: we didn’t take it there. And then I thought of another, similar relationship. These associations suggested that although these relationships had a strong sexual component they, and the erection were not about sex.’

‘Wow, okay, that’s interesting, you do know this is perhaps the most wonderful intentional use of self I’ve ever witnessed,’ David chuckles, I want to join in but right now I’m keen to continue. 

David then brings us back to the point I’m coming to, ‘But why are you telling me?’

‘Well the experience had a profound impact on me, of course erections come for all sorts of reasons but this felt different, it sounds odd but it was so physical – entirely physical: my body and mind were profoundly relaxed and yet it and I were fully awake. Anyway the next morning I had two associations, one was you: I don’t know why but the experience brought you to mind…’

David interrupts with a smile, ‘It’s about time’.

‘Ah yes,’ I knew this would come up but not this soon, ‘you’re right, and frankly yes: it is way overdue,’ our shared humour is key to how we pleasure each other and ourselves. Rather than being a so-called “defence mechanism” our humour has at times enabled us to go to places that might otherwise feel unsafe, it has provided us with an additional way of becoming more intimate. 

David is clearly enjoying this, ‘Why after all these years do you only now get an erection thinking about me?’

Through the laughter and tears I manage, ‘Just to be clear I thought about you the morning after,’ I think I’m probably saying this more for my benefit than his.

‘So why did you think of me?’ David persists.

‘Well I don’t know, though I suspect it has something to do with all you’ve been through this last couple of years, how you are now and why you’re going to India.’

‘How so?’

‘Well, you’ve said part of the reason for your trip has to do with the changes and trauma you’ve been through and it’s also about exploring how different you feel in your body.’ 

‘Okay,’ he replies, I can see I need to say more.

‘Let me tell you the second association, it might help.’

‘Go on,’ David urges me.

‘I recalled an MRI experiment involving Buddhist monks, there were two groups of people having MRI scans, the first group were the monks and they were asked to meditate while being scanned, the second group were ordinary members of the public and were given no instruction. The researchers were surprised by the results, rather than the monks’ scans showing little or no brain activity their brains had lit up like Christmas trees, whereas the other group’s scans were mostly grey.

‘What they took this to mean was rather than their relaxed meditative state resulting in low brain activity, they saw the opposite: their brains were firing, fully charged.’

As I said this it struck me that the mind generates thought which tends to give it direction as though direction were always needed. However, it is possible for the mind to light up and become fully engaged but not necessarily in thought. 

I also wondered whether any of the monks had erections…

David then interrupts my wondering with some gentle teasing, ‘Ah, so might this be another way of you suggesting I should meditate?’

‘No, I think you already do in a sense: you seem more centred, or – and I don’t like this expression, but you seem to be more fully in your body. You seem both still and energised.’

‘Like an erection,’ David adds.

‘Exactly,’ I reply, I can feel my excitement rising.

‘So I’m like your erection.’

‘In a sense yes… only bigger.’

We sit in silence for a while apparently digesting David’s connection, he then says, ‘That does make sense although, much like your erection, I have all this energy that just doesn’t know where to go,’ it strikes me that this statement might also apply to the rest of the session.

‘It may seem odd me telling you about the erection, but you so clearly came to mind: it would have been stranger not sharing it with you.’

‘It’s fine, I’m glad you did,’ then in an ironic tone David announces, ‘wow, so now my therapist not only tells me when he has a hard-on, but he also compares me to it.’ Though he is joking it does feel like we have gone somewhere new and pleasantly uncomfortable. ‘It does resonate,’ he adds, ‘but what do you think it means?’

‘I don’t know,’ I reply, ‘perhaps it is pointing toward something.’

As these words left my mouth I catch David’s eye and try to keep a straight face, I’m certain I’ve unwittingly set him up for a nice punchline, only I can’t see it, then David pipes up, ‘You mean besides the head-board.’ 

I think we often play together like two boys, there is something freeing, healing, risky and yes sexual about it, I think David also experiences it this way, and like me, he values it too.

‘Ha, yes the head-board, that’s true…’ hm, many a truth is said in jest. 

‘An erection never lies,’ David interjects.

‘True, but it’s not always clear what they are saying, if they’re saying anything. “We” too easily assume knowledge. What was so clear about the erection – and I wonder if this also applies to you, was just how physical it was: my mind just didn’t seem involved. Or at least it wasn’t until I got it involved.’ 

‘Ah, you know it makes me think of when you point your index-finger, a dog or small child will often look at the finger: they haven’t yet learnt that it signals direction.’

‘Yes,’ I reply, ‘and maybe it points nowhere… besides the head-board of course.’ 

‘Or the ceiling,’ David adds.

We sit in silence for a while, then David continues, ‘So you’re effectively saying that your erection is my transitional object.’

‘Ah, that’s a lovely insight, I hadn’t thought of it like that… and maybe it’s mine too.’

‘You sound like you want to come with me,’ for a split second I hear this as an invitation.

‘Absolutely,’ I reply, ‘I’d love to,’ it was not an invite: I think I was picking up on my excitement for his trip, ‘but it’s your adventure and besides, I think telling you about the erection is my way of coming with you.’

David smiles and says, ‘I’ll miss you.’

‘I’ll miss you too,’ I had thought of saying this sooner and am now relieved I didn’t – it gave David space to say it. Nonetheless I am curious that I didn’t.

Regardless of what it meant to David or I, it struck me that by sharing my erection I had offered us both a memorable last session.

‘You do realise that now when I’m sat on a beautiful beach in India or in an ashram, and I think of you, I’ll only be able to see you with an erection.’

‘Consider it a gift, a generous gift,’ I chuckle.

‘I’ll see you when I get back…’ David smiles, ‘with or without a hard-on.’

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